Greetings, one-percenters, and welcome to Occupy the Marriott.
Did you know that Michael Moore is only one person and yet he controls 33% of the world's cholesterol? The system is broken, I tell you, my friends.
Now I know what some of you are thinking. "Hey aren't you the one who wrote that smash New York Times bestseller "Demonic: How the Liberal Mobs are Endangering America"? And no sooner did it come out than demonic liberals burst out into mobs across the nation.
Yes, that's me, and I'm sorry for that. But the good news is the title of my next book is "Nancy Pelosi Moves to Luxembourg."
One of liberals', the mob', most irritating attributes is their infernal slogans. Slogans give off the appearance of having meaning but if you think about it for 30 seconds, they mean nothing. It's kind of like an Obama speech.
Bush lied, kids died, dissent is patriotic. Pro-choice, pro child. You can't hug a child with nuclear arms. What does that mean? What does that mean – you can't hug a child with nuclear arms – and why is that particular bumper sticker all over Jerry Sandusky's car?
It was slogans that got Obama elected - hope and change, we are the ones we've been waiting for. Here's a little-known fact: "hope and change" narrowly beat out Obama's second choice for a slogan – "I'm going to raise the budget debt by $4 trillion and not create a single job." That wasn't as catchy.
So now we have this jug-eared lunkhead in the White House who's has performed the financial miracle economists refer to as the "Carter years." We're $15 trillion in debt and Obama's plan is to spend more. Was Bernie Madoff appointed spending czar are when I wasn't paying attention? Because I can't keep track of all these non-recess recess appointments.
First Obama passed a trillion-dollar stimulus bill that was supposed to create jobs but mostly it stimulated the government. Now the Democrats want another trillion which they say is for jobs. They denounce Republicans – "Oh you must be against jobs if you won't give us this other trillion dollars." No, all Republicans should say is, "What happened to the first trillion?" "Oh sorry, that trillion went for public school teachers' pensions. Sorry, that's gone. We're out."
The Democrats are like your degenerate brother-in-law who borrows $500 for the rent and spends it on crack and hookers and comes back to you and says, "I gotta have $500 for the rent." No, no, no – what happened to the last trillion dollars?
At least we have a lot of extra money lying around for all new entitlements like Obamacare. Obamacare is so fantastic and everyone is so looking forward to being in it that the Democrats immediately gave waivers to 1,000 of their best friends since Obamacare became law continuously.
I mean, it had to be passed through sleazy parliamentary maneuvers without a vote to spare; a purely partisan vote. Americans opposed it when it passed and a continuous majority of Americans have opposed it since it's passed. The only thing Americans have agreed on this much is that O.J. killed Nicole.
Obama also told the truth, so he told the truth – he brought us all together. We all hate Obamacare. He also told the truth about not raising taxes on those making $250,000 or more. They aren't paying taxes for the simple reason they don't have jobs.
Consider that the lowest unemployment numbers since Obama has been president occurred the day he took office. Since then – up, up, up. We have a little dip now. The unemployment rate was 7.6 when Obama took office. The next month – 8.1. Soared up through 9 and 10. Now that he's gotten it down to 8.6, everyone in the media is demanding we do a hallelujah chorus that he's gotten it down to one full point above what it was when he took office.
It's like you go to a doctor with a fever of 102. He treats you, it goes up to 104 and then three years later it falls to 103 and we're all supposed to agree – that is one good doctor. That will conclude our sneak preview of what American medical care will be like under Obamacare.
I'm just kidding. Under Obamacare, you'll have to wait three years see a doctor, probably get better by then, or you'll die.
But even with all this, Obama is going to be very difficult to beat this year. Number one, he's an incumbent. Number two, Americans keep telling pollsters they like him personally, don't like his policies but they like him personally. He's the our first black president and the NFM, the non-Fox media, is gaga about him.
Obama isn't mawkish like Carter, he's not sleazy like Clinton. He'd probably make a lovely next to our neighbor as long as you're not Chinese – then he'd be constantly borrowing stuff.
Voters with 40 years of politically-correct education are ecstatic to have the first black president. They just love the idea of it, even if we did get Flavor Flav instead of Thomas Sowell.
When is it going to be okay in this country to admit we elected a man based on the color of his skin? I'm talking, of course, about John Boehner. Dark orange is in, baby. Look at how popular Snooki is.
Republicans have managed to defeat a sitting president only twice in the last 100 years. Once was exactly a hundred years ago, in 1912. Once was in 1980 with Ronald Reagan.
That's why I said from this stage a year ago that I thought Chris Christie was the only one who can beat Obama. I'm pessimistic – or I was more pessimistic – about any Republican beating Obama, and Chris Christie is the kind of politician that comes around only once in a generation. Like Reagan, he speaks the truth directly, boldly, the way no one else will, taking on the evil empire of our day – by which, of course, I mean the public sector unions.
But despite my Herculean efforts, Christie has decided not to run. Now he won't even return my calls. I thought we had something special, Governor.
But since last year, Obama has gotten worse and Romney's gotten a lot better. I assume this audience has been watching the debates, and I think Romney's been practicing because he's a lot better in the debates than he was in 2008 and I supported him then.
Meanwhile, independents are fleeing Obama. I don't know if you saw this yesterday, but based on his public approval ratings now it looks like he is not headed for reelection. No amount of that Jakarta charm is going to get people their jobs back.
This time, he's got to run on his record. If you remember when Ronald Reagan ran on his record in 1984, Saturday Night Live did a sketch of a Reagan in his war room, or rather Mondale in his war room, and they're looking at district by district and which ones they thought Mondale could take, and then you pull back from the map and you see the entire map is just a map of Minnesota.
So that's what happens when Reagan runs on his record. No, Obama's got to run on his record this time and the only people calling for hope and change are us.
Since I've been up here talking, Obama has hired another hardcore lefties to install in government bureaucracies where they can dream up new things to tax or regulate.
This is you – hear it all the time – this is the most important election of our lifetime because this is the only shot we have to repeal Obamacare. If it is not repealed by the next by the…in the next administration, that's it. It is here to stay. People start receiving their treats. Newt Gingrich will be denouncing plans reform it as right-wing social engineering and America begins its inexorable decline into Western Europe without the charming cafes and cobblestone streets.
So I ask you, CPACers, who are you willing to stake the future of this country on winning? Who is going to appeal to the most independents? Because if we're betting the future of this country on Newt Gingrich not being repellent to independents, I want my money back. I'm not taking that bet. On Election Day, every stupid woman in the country will be driving to the polls sobbing because she's afraid of Newt Gingrich.
I, too, enjoy people who annoy the media. I am that person. But this is a presidential election that will decide the future of the country. To stake everything on alienating independents and get nothing out of it accomplishes nothing.
Keep your eye on the prize, right wingers. The only question you should keep asking yourself is who will have the most appeal to independents, to undecideds, to my gender?
When Reagan ran and was the first one to take out a sitting president in in a hundred years, he did not run against Jimmy Carter by calling him a socialist. He didn't call him a Kenyan colonialist. He didn't call him a radical. He didn't say anything about Carter. He said Carter's policies were failed. That's how Reagan took out a sitting president the first time in a hundred years.
I feel like, you know, the Godfather asking for Luca Brasi – nothing fancy, just get the job done.
The Democrats have many advantages, but one advantage they don't have is the element of surprise. We know how they're going to run against our candidate because it's the only way they ever run against any Republican – call them dumb or call them stupid.
And there is one presidential candidate we have right now who frustrates both of those. That is Mitt Romney, and exactly what it is…. You can't call him dumb, you can't call him crazy. You can call him square, and that seems to be what a lot of right-wingers don't like about him. I keep asking, what is it? Well, I don't know. It's kind of a Ken doll, he's sort of stiff.
I think we've had enough of hip. Hip has nearly wrecked the country. Let's try square for a while.
Thank you. I'm going to take your questions now.
You have mics in the audience and I'm going to take your questions.
AUDIENCE MEMBER: Hi, thank you so much for being here, incredible speech. I just was asking or wanted to ask – as a female college student, I'm often confronted with a question, well, how can you be a woman and a conservative at the same time? Aren't those two things antithetical? Isn't the conservative movement trying to take us back through the feminist movement, all the way back? Is there anything that you can speak to on that topic of how you can be both a female and a conservative and the two actually work hand-in-hand?
COULTER: I think all real females are right wingers, and I can tell you that based on experience – and my bodyguard will back me up on this – all pretty girls are right wingers. You cannot…. I mean they have no politics. Pretty girls may have no politics, but you cannot tell with men and it's very frustrating. Some of my male fans have hairs to their derriere and tattoos up and down their arms. Some of my antagonists seem like perfectly attractive preppy young men. Girls…pretty girl is walking toward your table you know she's a fan. No, I think it's the feminist movement that has set us back. I mean, I don't write about feminism. It seems so manifestly obvious it doesn't need my stunning skills or analysis. But, I mean, the reason unattractive…I suppose, well, the reason liberal women are liberal is because they have to date liberal men and, you know, they get…. As we've seen from Bill Clinton and dumb Dominique Strauss-Kahn and Anthony Weiner, we see how liberal men treat women. So you don't want to be stuck in…. I'd be angry, too. I'll take 69 cents on the dollar or whatever the current feminist myth is about how much we make just to never have to pay for dinner. That seems like a fair deal to me. No, and you know what liberals want, again as we've seen recently in this crazed, zealot feminist secretary of HHS, it's all, you know, birth control for all, and we're going to jam this down your throats. This…who does that help? Hmm…I think it helps Anthony Weiner and Bill Clinton and Dominique Strauss-Kahn. You're a lot better off being a conservative. And also the myths you hear from the feminists – I mean they've been all been beautifully disproved in the person of Phyllis Schlafly. The one time Phyllis Schlafly was wrong in a debate – which I mentioned in my book "Slander," a little-known fact except for the millions of people who have read "Slander" now – was, she was debating a feminist, the feminist was saying Harvard Law School was only been admitting women for so long and Phyllis Schlafly said, "No, that's not true. I almost went there when I was in graduate school at Harvard." And it turned out Phyllis Schlafly was wrong. Harvard was not admitting women but they thought she was so hot they were going to make an exception for her. There's your conservative woman.
AUDIENCE MEMBER: How confident are you that when Romney, Mitt Romney gets elected that he's going to do what he says now and in the debates, that he's going to do it? I think the issue with him has been with the people that are voting "not Romney" – the confidence level. How confident are you?
COULTER: Right. I mean I think you'd have to be insane or a Newton to think that Romney is not going to repeal Obamacare. He's been clear and forceful on that from the beginning. I mean if you can't believe that, I mean, we may as well speculate. What if Obama starts reading you know, Milton Friedman, and becomes a free marketer? It's just…. Yeah, I guess it could happen, but…. No, I do think there's nothing you could be more confident about. I also think…I mean, from what…. I've said this before. I think this is the place to say it and you should all be having extra cocktails tonight. Right wingers have triumphed over the Republican Party. There are no Rockefeller Republicans running anymore. In 2008, just four years ago, one of our candidates was pro-choice; one was against Clinton's impeachment; one voted against the Bush tax cuts, wanted to shut down Guantanamo, called waterboarding torture, wanted amnesty for illegals – and that was the one we ran. We've won. There are no Rockefeller Republicans left. Now it's matters of degree, and if you look at them on the issues and not which one, you know, gins up the audience by attacking the media – which I'm all in favor of but doesn't get us elected – or, you know, denounces Obama's a Kenyan colonialist, Romney of the four remaining is the most conservative. He has the strongest position on illegal immigration. He has consistently…. And I must tell you, right wingers, after Obamacare, the single most important issue is illegal immigration. If we lose that, the entire country goes the way of California, where no Republican will ever get elected. The speaker you were listening to before me is brilliant, is beautiful, she's a woman. She couldn't get elected in a statewide election in California in 2010. There was nothing we were losing in 2010. Well, except where we had some people trying the high wire act. You know, Christine O'Donnell in Delaware and Sharron Angle in Nevada, and I forget who it was in 18:32 Colorado. Which was fine – we weren't going to take the Senate anyway. And by the way, Christine O'Donnell was more conservative than the Republican she was running against. That is not the case with Newt Gingrich. He is not more conservative. Point one. Point two, this isn't a Senate election. This is the future of the country. This is no time to be, "Oh, try this. That'll be fun."
MODERATOR: Last question, last question.
AUDIENCE MEMBER: councilman Scott Bill Harris from Hopkinton, Rhode Island. I'm proudly going to…hopefully run for Romney delegate in Rhode Island, if I get on the ballot. My question to you is, what do you think it of the future the Tenth Amendment and the respect from the federal government for state, local and county officials?
COULTER: Well, I would have thought the more Republicans we got elected, the more the Constitution would be respected. I've been a little concerned recently that some conservative seem to be adopting this liberal trait of calling anything you like "constitutional" and anything you don't like "unconstitutional." For example, the following sentence makes sense to a liberal. Bill Clinton saved the Constitution by repeatedly ejaculating on a White House intern. That makes sense to a…. That's not supposed to make sense to us. "Constitutional" refers to the most brilliant document ever conceived in the minds of men for promoting freedom, and it is precisely because of what you allude, to the Tenth Amendment. But it's not just the Tenth Amendment. The Constitution is a limit on what the federal government can do, and there's a reason for that. There's a reason – that is freedom-promoting. It's not just that it's the Constitution, and oh, we'll just say we like the Constitution. It's because it's a fantastic Constitution and there's never been anything like it in the history of the world. By allowing states and federal governments – elected officials in states and local governments – to make all the decisions. Two – as Rick Santorum has said though I think he has not explained it as well as it could be explained – yes, states can ban contraception. States could have a law saying you have to walk around in a purple hat. There's nothing in the Constitution that says they can't. They probably won't do it because we trust the people to vote for reasonable laws, but this is what allows…. You know, New Yorkers can vote for abortion on demand and peep shows and no salt, and in Tennessee they can have salt on the tables and guns on every walking human and they can have 85-mile-an-hour speed limits. That allows the maximum number of Americans to fashion the sort of society they are living in, by breaking it down to as small a unit as possible. This is why Romneycare constitutional, Obamacare unconstitutional. And the worst thing about Obamacare is certainly not the individual mandate. That's the legal argument. The worst thing we just saw this week, and it's just the beginning. With Kathleen Sebelius…. And I'm glad we're ending on this because I don't want to leave you without making this point. This isn't a Catholic issue. This is a freedom issue. The point is insurance is to insure against unexpected catastrophes. It's for fires, it's for accidents, it's for cancer, it's for some marriages to a Kardashian. It is not…you don't call up your State Farm auto policy for an oil change. Birth control – what they are doing is using insurance for communism because they're about to start taking over every single aspect of what you can do, what you can eat, and they're calling it insurance. That isn't insurance. Birth control is, you know, at most $20 a month. What is an abortion – $400, $500? You don't get insurance for that. And this woman who is going…she is Obamacare. The title of the bill should have been "Kathleen Sebelius, feminist zealot." Soon every insurance plan in the country is going to have to cover everything that would be desirable to, you know, the San Francisco City Council. It's going to be every crazy liberal idea. My point is, it's not insurance. And then, you know, once every insurance plan in the country by federal law has to cover 1 million different things – restless leg syndrome and aromatherapy and gambling addiction and gender reassignment surgery – oh yeah, then you can buy insurance across state lines. But every insurance plan out in the country will have to cover all this. It's not insurance. This is a scam. It is not about Catholicism. It is about the government taking over your lives. It is not Romneycare.